Today I went to see that Cheaper by the Dozen movie with the kids and DD and the Nephewwhowalksonwater, and it was lovely. Then DD dragged me over to the jewelry-store-which-is-closing to look at replacement rings for the one she got stolen, and it took every ounce of energy I had not to just break down in tears in that place.

What's my fucking problem?

It the holiday season, time for carousing with old and new friends, touch base with all those dear ones you haven't seen in a while...which I did.

And you know what? They're all married or having kids or getting engaged.

And here I am, still single, haven't had sex in WELL OVER A YEAR, with not a prospect in sight, and, well, damnit, I think I've just this afternoon gotten caught up in all that self-pitty shite and came close to a breakdown over the goddamned engagement ring counter.

I didn't, though. I kept it in while DD tried on the gaudiest of rings and I smiled and hoped aloud that she'd pick the least gaudy one out of those she liked. And I roamed around the store, looking at all the jewelry that I'll never have and that no one will ever buy for me, and thought, "Just a little antique-looking one with a little diamond in the middle...that's what an engagement ring should look like..." and drifted in and out and tried my best to keep sane for my sister.

Then I went and unpacked another load of clothing and picked up some boxes and did a little laundry at the new place, and drove home via the beach. I was fixin' to load up another carfull and drive back for a nice self-pity-wallowing evening, when Mom reminded me that I promised Bob I'd go to the Kings game with him tonight.

Fuck.

Well, turns out Bob can't go, so cousin Robert will go in his stead, and here I sit, waiting for Robert to pick me up so I can go to a Kings game that normally I'd be pretty excited about but which today I could really really really do without. Staples Center. Wall to wall people. Not just people. Kings Fans. Long car rides both ways with Robert, whom I love but just don't want to see right now.

If I could call and plead sick I would, but that just ain't right, I guess. So, I'll try to pick my chin up off the floor and get in the car and expend the rest of my chipper energy on the ride down there, scream at some puck-smackers, and then try to bear the ride home.

Note to self: try not to think of the rest of the week ahead of you and all the bullshit going on with Mom and Dad and DD, and just get through tonight. If you think about how to get through tomorrow, you won't make it. Think about tomrrow tomorrow.

Fuck, I really really really want my cell phone back. I'd pick it up and call some random number and just cry and hope that the person on the other line could help put me back together again.

Seriously. What's wrong with me that mean nasty ugly people with bad attitudes are getting married or at the very least getting regular sex, and I'm here, halfway decent looking, relatively intelligent, and ready to make a committment, and I can't even find someone to spoon with for a night?

Not like I'd want a one night thing anyway.

Aw, fuckit. Robert's here and it's time to go.

Posted by twids at 5:12 pm