Argh. So much has gone on, and I barely know where to begin. I have more self-help book exercises to do here, but first I need to jot down the inter-personal relationship stuff that's been going on outside the self-help book.

While watching Love Actually, I actually felt some relief as well as a huge pang of empathy for the guy who's in love with his best friend's girl. It seems I've been in numerous situations in which the object of my affections is, for myriad reasons, just out of my reach. At times I wonder if I do that to myself on purpose...set myself up for heartbreak of epic porportions, just so I don't have to deal with intimacy. I'm sure there's some element of that, and I've been trying to work that out.

But recently, my life choices have put me into several different situations that appear to be remarkable set-ups for just such situations. For example:

StudentBoy, whom I adore increasingly each time he emails (as he does regularly about various topics all class-related) or attends class or my office hours (as he does regularly), was standing outside my late class (he takes the early) this past week, waiting to see if I had a minute to talk. I had a scheduled appointment with another student, but it turned out that they're friends, so it wound up that the three of us hung out for a substantial amount of time together in the classroom after the rest of the late class departed. I say a substantial amount of time. That translates to: Class got out at 8:25, we left the building at 10:30. During that time, StudentBoy told me he and some of my other fave students were planning on going out Thursday for some beers and some karaoke, and did I want to join them? I hesitated for what I thought was an imperceptable split second, but he picked up on it and then asked, "Can you come?"

I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd think about it, and then we talked for a while longer. He emailed me Wednesday (class was on Tuesday) with all the details of where they were going and when, etc., and said how excited he was that I was coming.

Now, a few things on my part: I am finding it increasingly difficult to not look at StudentBoy without grinning from ear to ear, realizing I'm grinning, and then looking away and blushing, quite visibly, to the point where I'm horrified that others might take notice of this pathetic display of ridiculousness and rake me over the coals...rightfully. Also, part of Tuesday's conversation involved him telling me that he's rounded up a "fantastic group" of his fellow students to take my Advocacy class next semester. Despite the flattery that a guy so damned smart would not only do so well in my class but would want MORE, I was immediately disappointed that he was going to take me again. Why? I'll tell you why, diary. Because any indecent thoughts I might have towards him might not be indecent if he were no longer my student. But as long a he signs up for my class and continues to compliment my teaching skills, I'm up a creek hanging onto my heart laughing at the notion that some people go boating with paddles.

So, yeah, I bounced the idea of going out for beers with a group of my students off Mom, and then off Anneka. Mom wasn't sure what to do. She said her boss, Professor D., actually met his wife at a student party when she was his student. (At the end of the night, he asked her, "Are you going to take any more of my classes?" When she said no, he said, "Good." When the semester was over, he asked her out, and they were married a few years later.) She suggested talking to Anneka about it. Anneka said she thought it was probably a bad idea and that I should wait until they're not my students anymore. I figure, if I needed to ask at all, I clearly had reservations, and I have reservations for a reason, so I'd better not go.

So, I emailed StudentBoy and told him that I just didn't think it was wise to go. Political perception, and all that...but that I'd be happy to go out with them all when the semester ended to celebrate the termination of their first semester in grad school. He wrote back and said it was a deal...along with more commentary about how frustrating it is to know that I shouldn't go out with them but how happy he would have been if I had come anyway.

Now, I ask you, diary, what the hell do I do with that? Ugh.

Next example? BridgeBoy. This one doesn't come for a week after having stayed after workout last week to talk to me for 15 minutes in the freezing cold about plans for the new pool. Then he showed up on Monday and apologized up one side and down the other for not having gone to more workouts last week. Turns out he was sick and then had to help a friend move. He then stalls, visibly STALLS, before getting in the water and sits and talks to me for about 10 more minutes. Just shootin' the shit. All the while I find I cannot look him in the eye for fear of him looking back and my getting completely flustered and lost and tripping over my words again (a la two weeks ago, when after he asked for more "distance sets", I promptly turned to another swimmer and said, "Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? More distance sex?" Nice). He gets in, works out, then gets out and hangs out for another 15 minutes, sipping coffee and whatnot.

Tuesday he was there again, and we walked into the pool area together, chatting. Turns out he just bought a place in Redondo, about 5 minutes from my soon-to-be apartment building. I grinned and told him so, and he said, "Sweet! We can carpool and you can laugh about the torture you're going to put me through all the way to the pool every day!" I laughed and agreed that that was a splendid idea...of course, not adding, "and then I could totally have you to myself for 20 minutes each way, every morning!"

Then yesterday he came in and said the sale on his place may fall through because there are like $200,000 in leans on the place from the contractor. Ouch. I think I got a little over-upset about it. What do you MEAN? What will happen to our CARPOOL? Etc. I'm such a moron.

He didn't show today, but I'm pretty sure that's because he had a long run today. But aside from that, even if I did want to make an ethical breach??? Well, fuck that. I just can't do it. I'm just going to have to continue dropping hints like a mofo, hope he picks up on them, and hope he feels the same way and asks me out. Meanwhile, I'm trying to think of something I could have the group do (go out for dinner? Drinks? Pancake breakfast? Mmmmm, pancakes.....) together that would get us away from the pool and into a more "social" setting. Just like we did in Davis with the Greek Festival and the traveling and all that. That might make things a little easier to gage. I mean, how much can I intuit about how he feels about me at 5:30 in the morning? Everyone's delirious at 5:30 in the morning.

Right. So, I don't know. GirlStudent in the late class got a sub-standard grade on her mid-term and has cried a few times in front of me while I take her though the re-write process, step by step. She's lightyears away from me, though, it seems, so I think that one-on-one time has allowed me to discover that she and I would be a miserable match.

Do I set myself up for this shit? Or is it just that that's how I set up my life/career? As a teacher and a coach, I don't come into contact with many people who I don't have power over. Hrm. That doesn't sound right, but I guess it is. There's a power dynamic in everything that I do, which makes for a completely fucked up social-conversion-dynamic, if there is such a thing.

Right. So, now that I've got it down here and confirmed my thoughts in my mind, I don't have the slightest idea as to what to do about all this. [ed. note: suggestions welcome in the guestbook.] I suppose I keep on looking on Match.com for someone completely different from me, for someone who doesn't have anything to do with swimming or social work or going to school or whatever, and hope that s/he has other traits that are attractive and that attract him/her to me.

Right. I'm gonna be single and heartbroken for a loooooooonnnnng time, aren't I?

Posted by twids at 9:00 am