Today I fought back tears as I drove down the 405 and talked to Sonya about how things have been going. This week has been particularly trying in the oh-jesus-I've-fucked-up-again category. I walked and jogged on Sunday and then had trouble walking on Monday and then could not walk at all on Tuesday.

People keep using the "You're doing too much" line on me, and I want to cry every time they say it. What less can I DO???

I fuck up small things, like times or calls that I'm supposed to make but forget to make, or things I'm supposed to take but leave behind, or people I'm supposed to help but can't...it's never ending, and I'm lame in all areas of my life.

Turning to food for comfort when it hurts to move makes me feel worse.

And everyone has their own shit to deal with, so I won't burden them with my bullshit whining.

And today my Dad told my Mom that he thinks he might have Alzheimer's. And I'm completely, totally, and utterly freaked out about that. It's bad enough that my brain's deteriorating, but does his have to, too? It is, aside from having a stroke and remaining mentally there but physically incapacitated, his worst nightmare. And I don't know, if it's true, how I will stand by and watch that all go down.

And I don't mean to sound like the quintessential Jewish whiner, but...fuckin' a, why me? Why my family?

Every day I try to turn over a new leaf. This week I've been trying to start every day with a purpose: To be a better coach; to be a little healthier at the end of the day than I was when I woke up; to be a better friend; to not complain. And every day I'm happy about trying to keep that purpose in mind. And every night I'm near tears, feeling defeated once again by something that just totally blindsides me.

I mean, fuck. Am I bringing this on somehow? Is my family bringing this on? Are we projecting victim-ness or smug-ness or ego-itis that is somehow inviting a cosmic smackdown of some sort?

I'd take it all on myself if my Dad could just be spared. I swear to G-d. I'd go to the dentist, the ob-gyn, pay all my back taxes, stop eating chocolate and all forms of ice cream, give up treatment and allow myself to wither away in a state hospital if it would mean my Dad wouldn't have to also have a nerological degenerative condition that will make him feel shame and as though he is a burden to his family and that will take away all the mental prowess he has so prided himself on building over the course of his life.

I would never complain again. I'd take it all and ask for more if it meant his getting through this without Alzheimer's. This will undo my family and I don't know what we would do with all the pain.

I'm starting to panic.

Posted by twids at 11:59 pm