It's 10am on a Tuesday, and I feel like shit.
Something is going on with DD, and I can't figure out what it is. Could be me, could be her marriage, could be her kid, could be her life...who the fuck knows? But more often than not these days I look over on deck and she's letting fly on some unsuspecting kid, and I'm freaked that a bunch of them are going to bail if she keeps on like this for much longer.
I finally asked her about it today, and she said there's nothing going on. That I pissed her off this morning (when I came to the rescue of some kid), but that otherwise, things were fine.
She's full of shit.
In other news: Two brothers moved into the recently-vacated unit upstairs. They're nice as can be, I guess. One is divorced, the other is brutally single, and they both work at a local plant as OSHA police/pipefitters. They're from somewhere in Texas that gives them the deepest accent available, and has them driving the quintessential TRUCKs to accompany said accents.
I went up there last night when I got home to drop off the rental agreement, and the older bro was there. We got to chatting, and fell into the age-old entertaining conversation about the laziness of workers today/general dumbing down of America, and at some point he interjected, "You know, this is cool. It's been a while since I've been able to carry on a conversation with someone that didn't force me to use simple words." Well, sure, he works with ex-cons and high-school flunkies who think "safety" is a big word.
Then I thought about how many times that very same sentence has been said to me. It seems to happen a lot. The, "Wow, it's so nice to talk to someone with a brain" routine. And usually I'm happy to hear it.
Last night? Not so much.
Because the thing is, while it's nice to be told that I'm nice to talk to because I use polysyllabic words and can formulate my own opinions, it's also sort of frustrating after the last few years. If I'm so great to be around, then where are all the people who want to be around me all the time?
I suppose I've done my fair share of pushing people away, to be sure. But on the other hand, there are a ton of people with whom I'd like to spend more time being witty and talking world affairs...but they don't seem to want to do much more with me than pat me on the head and ask me what I do besides coach.
In short, I don't know where I belong in the world anymore. I try to have a good self-image, to think highly of myself, and to aim high when keeping company, and I'm shot down by people who seem to think they're too good for me/I'm their cute little blonde charity case. I think ill of myself, tear myself down, and I wind up with stupid people who are either into self-abuse, partner abuse, or are just plain dumb as a box o' rocks, and their company becomes intollerable.
Then there's that third group of folks: Parents of my swimmers. The ones who are happily married, brigning in six-figure salaries, and who want to have me over to their 6-bedroom 4 trillion square foot houses for dinner one night because they like the novelty behind the idea of having their kids' coach over for dinner.
Can I just be a real person for a while and have someone like being in the same room with me while that's going on?
I'm getting so used to putting on a show for parents or dumbing down my vocabulary/thought patterns for stupid people or trying to impress smart single attractive people that I'm finding it very difficult to ever get to the point where I can let my guard down and just be myself.
Can that be good?
I find myself thinking, for example, that if I had just been able to relax and be myself around BridgeBoy, things might have come out differently...but when did it happen that I stopped being comfortable with myself around other people? I used to be a pro at that.
Now just walking out the front door makes me tired from the effort of putting on the appropriate face.
How much longer can I last like this? And meanwhile, where are all the people with the patience/interest for finding out who I really am? Where are the guys who ask questions and really want to know the answers? Where are the guys who want to be asked questions and to give truthful answers?
I'm beginning to feel like my life's purpose is to "just miss" like, everything, and really hone the skill of dealing with it. Can that really be it? Fucking miserable timing for a lifetime? With everything???
The thought makes me want to crawl back into bed with my newly-purchased (kill me) body pillow: The ultimate in lonely-guy purchases. The dog has gone back to the 'rents' place now, so it's me, three cats, a dvd collection to rival many, and a body pillow.
Where is the worth?

Posted by twids at 10:27 am