Very well. After a brief Self Hell Hiatus, I return to The Book to continue on my journey to admitting any and all responsibility in the myriad failed relationships of my brief time here on this rolling rock. It is clear that, given the choice between identifying as a Minimizer or Maximizer, I am clearly a Minimizer:

Implodes feelings inward (Depression, anger at self and frustration at lacking words to express it out loud, tendency towards poetry, writing for catharsis, rather than, say, karate)

Diminishes affect (Shut down in the face of personal conflict, rather than facing it head on and "talking it out" like a rational adult)

Generally denies needs (How many times have I been SO mortified, angry, sad, tormented, desperate for a comforting word or shoulder or embrace, only to respond to someone's inquiry with, "I'm fine", or "Nothing," and a nonchalant shrug or newborn smile? And, to top it off, how do I cope with my own shit? I go out and deal with someone else's, of course!)

Shares little of her inner world (Well, no shit. I have yet to tell anyone I love about anything, save coming out, that would put me at emotional risk.)

Tends to exclude others from her psychic space (see above commentary)

Withholds feelings, thoughts, behaviors (Again, see above. I instinctively refuse to let anyone see what's going on, lest they possibly see that I am hurt. I think this goes back to the PE class in seventh grade, but I'm not sure. Possibly earlier than that. No! It IS earlier than that! It's Bruce J. on the pool deck asking me in front of everyone, "Don't you know what 'going around' means?" And then grabbing my hand and walking me away from the laughing crowd of swimmers.)

Has rigid self boundaries (Yeah. I can't even begin to write the necessary book on this one.)

Inner-directed; takes direction mainly from self (Mainly because I'm passive aggressive to a fault and won't take direction from anyone else...but I'm working on this.) (I am! Really!)

Mainly thinks about herself (as evidenced by this diary, for one.)

Acts and thinks compulsively (Oh, again, I'd need well over a hundred pages. Wait! What about this diary? It's a veritable cornucopia of exhibits into my lack of impulse control! Public blow jobs, last-minute ultra-workouts, uprooting very stable life to come south for very unstable one....)

Tends to be passive agressive (understatement of the century).

So, to sum up:

I am a Minimizer with rigid boundaries who was most deeply wounded at the stage of Identity (this was from earlier work that did not warrant diary entries, but trust me). Therefore I am a Controller. My basic fear is of being shamed; loss of control; losing face. I also seem to have problems in the area of Intimacy (another understatement of epic porportions). The basic fear there is being controlled by others.

Thus my growth challenges are to: Maintain my self-identity; be responsible to others; learn to trust others; relax control; mirror my partner's thoughts and feelings; and to develop flexibility and sensitivity.

Oh my God. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, and I'm never going to feel validated again.

Posted by twids at 10:19 am