When Iran would be excessively demanding of my time (especially when she knew I couldn't give it), I felt manipulated, crowded, and angry, as though she did not respect me. I would react by ignoring her or pushing her away, because I feared being outed when she got that way.

When she would "play dumb", meaning, she would act as though she had no idea what I or a group of us was talking about in order to appear like a current world drop-out, I would feel angry and frustrated. I would think that she was using me, or that she did not respect me or my friends or our chosen lifestyles, and I would ignore it. I feared having to open up and explain things I didn't want to explain, either because I didn't know what I was talking about, or because I didn't trust others with that sort of detailed information about myself.

When she would look down on or disparage my friends, it made me sad, fearful, and angry. I would think we came from two such different worlds, that we could never make the relationship work, and I would encourage her to like them, to give them another chance, or I would defend them and desert her. I feared her not liking all of me. I feared having to compartmentalize myself for her...and for the rest of my friends.

When Zulu would berate me in front of his friends (especially Pancho), I felt embarrassed and frightened, and thought that I was stupid, not worth his respect or kindness. I would either lash out at him verbally, ignore it and pretend it didn't phase me, or shrug it off later after the initial blow, out of the fear that showing any sort of emotion would tell him he'd "won", that he would feel as though he accomplished what he'd set out to.

When he would make light of my feelings ("You're just too fucking sensitive" "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" "What's your fucking problem NOW?"), I would feel embarrassed and scared as well, as though I was too stupid to know how to feel, that I wasn't worth his respect or kindness. I would respond as described above, with lashing out to try to assert myself, or by ignoring it and hoping it would disappear, or by shrugging it off and showing no pain. I was always afraid of showing emotion around him, lest he should feel as though he had "won", and continue the behavior.

When Zulu would balk when I talked about my friends, I would feel sad, scared, and angry. I would think that I had bad taste in friends, that I don't know how to act around others, and that he didn't like my choice in people, and therefore who I was. I would stop seeing my friends or talking with them at all, isolate myself, in order to avoid talking about them with him and standing up to him about my own beliefs or desires. I was sure he was going to leave me or that he was going to hurt one of them.

When Zulu would accuse me of cheating for hours on end, it made me feel scared, sad, and confused, as though I was untrustrowthy or perceived as something other than what I was. I would isolate myself in order to be sure that I wasn't behaving the way he said I was, as a way of not digging to find out what I actually felt or thought but rather pre-empting that with outright isolation. I didn't want to know what I really thought or felt (for fear of having actually felt affection towards someone other than Zulu and not knowing what to do with that), so I cut off all communication with everyone in order to not need the insight.

When Adam would skirt around saying he loved me, I would feel embarrassed, angry, and hurt, as though he did not love me and, worse, could not love me. I would ignore his behavior out of straight fear of being rejected by him.

When he would not show affection towards me in public (not hold my hand, not touch me in any way, only smile at me if no one was looking), I would feel embarrassed and rejected, as though he did not and could not love me, and as though I did not deserve to be loved. I would respond by ignoring it or joking about it for fear of ultimately being rejected by him.

When he refused to call me his girlfriend, I had identical feelings and reactions as those above.

When he couldn't have a prolonged conversation with me without being drunk, I would feel sad and angry. I would think he didn't trust me, or that I'm not trustworthy, and I would either ignore it altogether and just play along, or I would lash out verbally in order to get a rise out of him and get him to address it on his own. I constantly feared being rejected by him.

When Jenny drank or used constantly, I would feel sad, angry, and desperate. I would think I couldn't talk to her about "real" things, because she wouldn't remember them, and because she wouldn't be able to share with me in return. I would try to talk about it, or I would hide her paraphenalia(sp?), or I would just clam up and ignore it, depending on the time and day and mod. I feared losing her friendship, getting too close to her, and not having those feelings returned (finding out they were never there, but the alcohol and pot had made her seem more coherent than she had ever been).

When she processed things way more than anyone should ever need to process, I would feel tired and annoyed. I would think that she didn't believe I had heard her the first five times we'd talked about it, and I would sit and process with her again. I never confronted this because I was scared of getting close to her, to being vulnerable and trusting that she wouldn't storm off if I told her the truth.

When Jenny lied, or continually promised to do things she never did, I would feel angry, scared, and trapped. I would think that she didn't respect me, that nothing I did mattered to her, and I would respond by either isolating myself so as not to confront her, lashing out verbally to push her away, or panicking completely and locking myself in my room (which also goes with the isolation thing, but is more extreme). I feared being violated or "found out", being betrayed by her and losing a friendship I treasured, and I feared losing control over the situation.

When Jenny sabotaged projects (like meetings I was running), I felt scared and angry, as though she did not respect me at all. I responded by ignoring her and suppressing all the anger towards her out of fear of being discovered for a fraud by the people in the meeting, as well as fear of having lost her respect and panicking because of it.

In looking over all these different relationships, what I can see is that when a partner disrespects my friends, I feel disrespected and lash out or clam up, and I fear what feels like an ultimate rejection. I also get embarrassed, scared, and angry when my partner does things like making light of my feelings, or rebuffing my attempts at physical affection. It makes me think that I'm not lovable, and I usually retract into myself, isolate myself from my partner and others, and live in constant fear of rejection. Additionally, when my partners felt as though they had to be high or drunk all the time, it made me feel sad or angry and also caused me to clam up or lash out from the fear of not being respected or valued as much as a pipe or a bottle.

Therefore, I would really like it if my partner would spend time with my friends and try to get to know them, and if s/he doesn't like one or all of my friends, I'd like to be able to talk about why and figure out a way to have both of them in my life.

I would also like for my partner to either reciprocate my affection when given (i.e., actually hold my hand in public without gagging or drawing back in horror), or gently tell me that s/he's not into being "touchy" right then. And, I would like for my partner to not be addicted to alcohol or ilicit drugs. A beer here and there is fine, but needing a six pack to go to bed is not. Period.

And there you have it, diary: A picture of the problems and frustrations that tend to recur in my relationships, and an idea of what would remedy those frustrations. Fanfloogintastic.

Posted by twids at 7:44 am