I've had some anger issues lately. You know, times when I just, like, lash out at people for really very little, if any, reason. Most of the time it's just catty stuff that can be covered with a quick, "sheesh! what's MY problem?!" and a laugh. Other times I'm plotting something and then find myself catching it right before I make the mistake of actually acting.

For instance: I was reading something someone else wrote recently (she wrote it recently and I read it recently). It was about her ex coming back for the last of his belongings after a long and very involved break-up, and how he finally broke down and cried about their being apart. And there she was, thinking that she wasn't worthy of his tears, saying to him in her head, "Don't cry for me, Ex-man, I'm not worth it."

And before I knew it, I had clicked on the guestbook link and was about to write, "You're right, you're not worth it. And he'll find someone eventually who is, and he'll forget all about you, thank God. But of course, the only reason you were saying that to yourself is not because you actually believe you're not worth it, but because that's the only thing you knew to tell yourself in order not to feel guilty about the ridiculously shitty way you treated him. So, I thought I'd drop you a note to just remind you of that, since you seem so intent on forgetting it."

See? Spitefull. And honestly? The only reason I'm angry at her is because I used to do the same thing and I have this unfair notion in my head that anyone older than I am should have already learned the lessons I've learned. That people who are similar at all to me should know what I know at this point in life and move on. But really, that ain't right. We don't all live at the same pace, nor do we learn at the same rate. Just because she's older than I am doesn't mean she's as far along with admitting things to herself and letting go of needing to be so goddamned self-righteous and manipulative. Even in her own friggin anonymous diary.

Damn. There I go again. All passive aggressive and shit. Maybe it comes from that place where I really wish someone would come along and help me understand where all the anger comes from and how to deal with it constructively...but all I meet up with is older stupid people. And younger people with just as many questions. Bah. I really shouldn't resort to guestbook terrorism, though. That ain't right, right?

Posted by twids at 9:29 pm