Alrighty then. So, here I am, back with the Self Hell book, which has given me another survey-like thingy to complete with answers that are the first thing that come to my head each time I read the question. Here goes:

My goal in life is to be happy. (Hey, they said the first thing that comes to your mind, damnit. I'm trying.)

The thing that gives me the most satisfaction is coaching (right now, that is).

My childhood was relatively pleasant and definitely privlidged.

I think sex is scary.

When i make love, I prefer [okay, this is assuming that "making love" is different than "fucking"] it to be with someone I for whom I have very strong feelings, and for it to be fulfilling emotionally.

My deepest fear is that I'll live alone and the MS will get worse.

My deepest need is to be taken care of during the dark hours.

My most frequent feeling is jeez, I don't really have a clue. Is distrust a feeling? Reticence?

The thing I hate most is stupid people.

I worry most about my parents dying.

My goals for a primary relationship are [fuck, I need goals?] to have respect always be in the forefront, and to have it last long-term.

My reasons for wanting a primary relationship are um, wanting that feeling of knowing that the person next to me when I go to sleep at night is not only going to be there in the morning, but will be there for hundreds of nights to come, as well. And the desire to have someone to take care of me in the, admittedly rare, moments when I can't take care of myself, and the desire to share everything with someone who would eventually really, truly know me. Those are very self-centered, aren't they? But isn't this supposed to be self-centered? Ugh, who cares, moving on...

I think my relationships have been improving as I go, but pretty much miserable and broken mostly because of me.

Three things about myself I want to change are: a) My inability to speak coherently when BridgeBoy is looking at me; b) My overly critical nature once a relationship is underway...i.e., my sabotage reflex; c) My weight.

I fantasize about um, right. I'm not sure I'm interested in writing down my fantasies. Okay, fuck it. I'm trying to be more open and trusting, right? I'd better start with trusting myself. I fantasize about having a house with a spouse. When I'm shopping, I fantasize about someone one day knowing the things I like and once in a while buying me something because they knew I'd like it and they had a little extra cash in their pocket.

I feel anger when I think of Arnold as my Governor. Or, when I shift to think about relationships? I get angry when I think about that asshole in Spokane, and how stupid I was for giving him so much of my time.

I think I am...I honestly don't know what to write on this one. I think I am reasonably intelligent but a mess when it comes to trusting someone enough to let them in in order to have a decent relationship?

My highest value is everyone deserves respect and equal treatment until they do something to change my mind about them.

I think spending money on very big cars/SUV's is foolish and wasteful.

A nude body is usually a beautiful thing.

My most frequent pleasure is chocolate.

I am happiest when I am with my nephew.

When a man makes love, he should honestly want to be with me...not just with a hole.

Your body should always be a temple.

To me, work is something that should be both fun and fulfilling...oh yeah, and I guess it should pay the rent.

In general, I view life as a chance to make good on prior agreements.

When I go to a party, I either stay completely sober or completely drunk the entire time, and I consistently fight the urge to smoke. Like, a lot.

Women's bodies are round. (again, first thing that popped into my head.)

My idea of a dream career is being paid exorbitant amounts of money to sleep, travel, and/or read.

The person I admire most is my mom.

To me, death is necessary and inevitable, but painful nonetheless.

I think war is usually preventable and caused by egos rather than issues.

I have no use for people who say stupid shit all the time.

I am afraid of living the rest of my life alone with cats.

When someone is rude to me, I either walk away or smile big and nice the living shit outta them.

I can't understand people who believe that love shared between two people could be wrong, in any situation.

Men's bodies are sometimes scary, sometimes beautiful (like this morning, when BridgeBoy was chaning on deck into his jeans and he was looping his belt through the loops and fastening it? Yiiiiiikkkes, that was a beautiful thing).

In general, I think my strengths are my ability to see humor in most things, or the positive in most things, and my ability to see the big picture in most situations.

After making love, a man should not: crack open a beer, smack me on the ass and say, "alrighty, thanks, time to go", or say anything else completely insane or stupid. Silliness is good. Serious proclamations of love are nice. Sleep/snoring is fine. Just don't fuck up the moment by saying something stupid.

My weaknesses are I don't like my body and don't understand how anyone else could, I don't open up when I expect others to all the time, and I don't know how to say no to chocolate in most situations.

My view of money is it's important but not crucial. It's nice to have, important to save, but fun to spend and tough to earn.

To me, children are lovely little bundles of silliness who keep me young and giddy and who say the best things at exactly the right times.

Parents are wonderful and trying. I think they're sent into our lives to administer G-d's tests.

Married life is wonderful and a challenge. Something I hope I can live someday.

I am envious of Sonya and Serge, despite their fighting, because they have the money and the house and the comfort around each other enough to slam doors and shout at each other and not think it's the end of their married life.

Okay, I think that's about all for this entry. This questionnaire goes on forever, so I'm going to post this and continue in another entry.

Posted by twids at 11:34 am