I cannot believe it has been so long since my last entry, and yet I know it has been because so many nights have gone by when I've been driving home and thought, "christ, I really need to update." And then I just don't.

Several times I've actually come to the site and punched "Add an entry", only to stare at the little white square and be completely absent of writable thoughts.

But that's illustrative of my life at present. I feel like I'm in some sort of weird holding pattern, just trying to skate by each day and not disturb some locale-unknown structure I feel constantly close to destroying. As though I'm about to back up into a perfect wedding cake, or nick a beer an pyramid and send it all crashing down. Or something.

I'm not sure where it comes from. Whether it's my trying not to get sick (and failing miserably and repeatedly) or still weathering the shock of just how weak getting a common cold renders me, or maintaining a balance at home that says not that this is the Twids Hotel nor that I am that girl who is turning 30 while watching reruns of Cheers betwixt her parents on the couch on a Saturday night. Or maybe it is the constant defensiveness I feel, always on the ready for the comeback to, "And what do you do for real? I mean, coaching is nice, but what do you DO?" ...and always letting down that guard just before someone comes out with it again.

Maybe it is the lack of communication with all my friends that both makes me sad and makes them angry but which, were I to take the time to call the all, would put me so far past the brink of mental and physical exhaustion I would need to think of Health as being another planet.

I don't know.

The average one bedroom apartment here goes for $1200. I couldn't afford that in a million years. Which means I have to be the ultimate sprawler and look further away...though I'm not sure how much good that will do, either. And the prospect of staying here until I have enough saved to afford something like twelve hundred a month makes me reel as though I've just been cosmically sucker-punched.

Not to mention the idea of moving again makes my stomach turn.

There are wonderful things about being here, and I wouldn't change my situation for the world, so don't get my wrong. I love the swimming and the being around family and all that. I'm not making terrible money, and living with the parents isn't the worst thing in the world.

But there is little room for a social life, the love life notion is laughable. And that's a little frustrating. Everyone I work with or for is married with small children, and they can't understand why I would want my Saturday nights free, or why I would want time away from the team, or why I would want to be around adults once in a while who are my age and who are single. These are things so foreign to the average soccer mom and dad that I might as well be talking to them about quantum physics. Scratch that, they probably know more about quantum physics than single life in LA.

Ugh, anyhwho, I'm off again to go teach and coach but want to grab a snack before I leave. I'm tired and worn out and have to work all weekend, so I need to make this an early night. And when, in all this, do I get to grade the midterm papers?

Argh. I'm hoping this is all just Transition Stuff.

Posted by twids at 1:31 pm